Meet your new Master

We have no one to blame but ourselves. Well myself actually, it was my idea. My plan to avert the jungle outside for a walk indoors. My plan to work out every day without the excuse of weather to fall back on. My grand plan to fight resistance and get serious about fitness. It was expensive, but it would be worth it. We work hard, we deserve it. So we combined our research efforts, split the costs, and ordered it.

what the whatIt arrived on a Saturday and came to life on a Monday via the rigorous toil and dedication of my faithful man mate, David. In its containment it did look large, once built however, it became huge. This beast of a machine is a mammoth in our tiny home. It is a giant commanding our attention. Large with life and a console that looks like a replica of something from Star Trek, this machine is dominant.

All I wanted was a defense mechanism against common resistance. A simple way to make progress and sustain it, instead I got a war machine. Why would you simply ignore resistance when you can destroy it? In the shadow of this mighty dinosaur, there are no excuses, you have to walk, you have to run, and you have to obey it.

Throughout my speckled and turbulent history with body confidence and self improvement, I’ve tried various methods to stay on course and motivated. There have been diets, twisted ankles, and gurus along the path but time and truth changed my approach. A little internal deep dive and I realized that progress masked as punishment is an effective illusion and the size of it counts. The enormity of this new Overlord in our little life is as humorous as it is intimidating and for the first time ever I have no doubt that it will all work out.

Every single day.




What We Did Investigates: Chasing Crime in Prime Time

We have taken on the brutal task to record the details of a bloody past.
From our living room we watch as the evil unfolds.
We are investigating investigations and taking notes.

The room is Dead Silent and the popcorn is hot.
The wine is at the ready, and the projector is on.

Armed with Deadly Instincts and 20/20 vision,
we are prepared to take on our fateful
self-appointed mission.  

We are fighting for justice, we are On the Case.
Death is not a slow march, it’s a bloody race.
Making sense of the senseless
and watching what we see.
One by one, we take these killers down
with bad poetry.

The clock is ticking now, we are running out of time.
We have to get a good night’s rest and it’s already 9:00.
No more pausing, no more bathroom breaks.
It’s Friday night, we must make haste!

Every minute counts when you’re solving crime
watching it unfold clue by clue
on a Deadline.

Deadly Women and killer clowns are out there.
Men with guns and Wives with Knives are roaming all around.
It is our great undertaking to watch the heroes of our time take them down.
How do you spend a Friday night?
Some go out and stay up late, even past 9:00.
We stay home, safe and sound,
chasing crime
in primetime.

Life Goals

David and Noelle have decided to spend their lives in pursuit of vineyard ownership. The costs are staggering and they know nothing about wine outside of how to drink it. Will they make it? Tune in to find out. Up next on the BBC, The Coracan Swimteam, how they made lettuce as tasty as it is edible.

In order to prepare ourselves, we’ve made the following list:

Ask about badgers

Make a scarecrow

Dress the scarecrow

Get a lamb or 2 ostriches

No goats David

David- that is not a lamb, that’s a goat

DAVID- that is not a bunny, that’s just another goat

DAVID!!!!! Where are you getting all of these goats from?

Make sure there is a well on the property and fill it once a day with bottled water from the dollar store

Save the Bees

Make bigger bees

Make Alice

Something is killing the bees and David imagines the culprit to be small in size. Or “The bees started dying soon after my beekeeper mentor passed”

Get a man named Marco

Invest in peanut plants

Serve honey

It’s all about the bees

Graft Magic

Grafting Greatness

David at Breakfast in a beekeeper outfit speaking to guests about bees



Attenbourough Hill

  • Abominable – A pinot grigio, icy white and mysterious like the beast herself